Coffee Vampires

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Coffee Vampires

Insanity wolfI’d like to take a moment to talk about a special type of coffee drinker – The Coffee Vampire. This might even be you, if so please take heart and know that I am here to help you.

Where do Coffee Vampires Live?

Coffee Vampires live in your work environment. It doesn’t matter if your work have five people or five thousand, you might be invested by coffee vampires.

What is a Coffee Vampire

A coffee vampire is any person, young or old, male or female, who knowingly drinks the last cup of coffee in the pot and then slinks away without making a new pot.

The Coffee Vampire grabs their cup and make their retreat, secure in the knowledge that no matter what else, they have a cup of coffee. Co-workers be damned.

You might have experienced a coffee vampire in your work, most times they are never seen for the shame they would feel would be too much if they were to be seen leaving the scene of their crime.

And yes, this is a crime. One might even call it an act of terrorism for the emotional destruction this act leaves in its wake is significant, and long lasting.

How do I know?

I am sad to report that I have been the victim of a coffee vampire. I remember it like it was just yesterday (it was two weeks ago). It was mid-morning, I was working on a plan and noticed that it was time for a refill so I locked my computer and went for a refill.

For some reason the light seemed harsher, I noticed there were no birds or other animals making noise (forget the fact that I was on the 4th floor in the Chicago Loop, every good horror story has a moment where things are eerily silent).

As I rounded the corner my heart beat faster in anticipation, only to be smashed into a billion pieces when I saw that the pots (both!) were drained leaving a few drops and grounds as a grim reminder that there once was coffee. The coffee vampires had hit, and I was the unwitting victim.

My initial reaction of course was: RAGE


Why this pisses me off!

Honestly people, it takes less than one minute to :

  1. Pull out the coffee filter holder.
  2. Step five feet to the garbage can, rotate your wrist until the the coffee filter and used grounds falls into the garbage (You don’t even have to touch it!).
  3. Walk five feet to the drawer, grab a filter and put it in the (now empty) filter holder.
  4. Grab a bag of coffee, empty it into the filter and replace the filter holder (it just slides right in!).
  5. Press the brew button.

In less time than it took me to write that award winning narrative you could be a hero and not a zero. You could make some hard working Tom, Dick or Harry like myself happy. You could be the deliverer of the joy that is coffee. Don’t you want to be a hero?

When you turn to the dark side and let kill that pot and don’t make a new one, somewhere in the world a little baby kitten dies. Don’t be the one to kill a kitten.

Ok, so maybe that that might not happen, but it does lower my opinion of you. And rest assured, if I ever see you doing this, I will say something to you, or at a minimum give you a soul wilting look of shame and disappointment.

Fast forward to the beginning of this week. I once again find myself walking down for some Joe. And there is some! I was happy and soon found myself laughing with what I saw next.

Some intrepid co-worker, god bless his or her soul, had had enough of the coffee vampires and left them a message.

Message to Coffee Vampires

Bravo! Bravo! You sir or madame are my new hero. If you happen to read this blog, if you happen to see your message to the vampires know that you made a difference.

So the long and the short of it folks, no matter how busy you might think you are. You have time. If you kill the Joe, you make some mo!

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